Time for a Brief Intermission

Hey folks!

So, as I mentioned in one of my previous blogs, I’m back in an adult learning centre to get the courses I need to apply to university. And, as was also mentioned, I’m in a class currently that I performed quite disastrously in previously.

Over the past couple of days, we entered into a unit that I’m having a very difficult time with, and I need to spend more time than average reviewing and learning the materials. As such, I don’t have the necessary time to sit down and compose my blogs or stories, as they require a degree of mental focus that I need for school.

So, this site will be going on a brief intermission of sorts. Typical uploads will be paused for a period of time; at least until I understand the materials well enough and am confident that I’m mentally caught up with the rest of the class.

That being said, I’ll still be keeping some of my social media feeds updated with smaller or random thoughts, as well as updates as to when for sure I’ll return. Facebook will probably be the most likely site I’ll use, so if you haven’t already, be sure to follow me there.

To help keep you interested for future posts: I’m in the process of working alongside a cosplayer I rather admire for a longer article on stuff and things. It’s quite different than anything I’ve managed before, so it’ll be a fascinating experience for me.

It’s also worth mentioning that Whyte Gears Articles will resume at about the same time my regular blog posts do. These take me the longest of all my projects to assemble and write, so it was the first thing I had to triage in order to keep up with my academic demands.

Thanks for tuning in, and I’ll see you folks in the not too distant future!


In my World Without Heroes

20170913_110023_HDRIn simplest terms, Shonen style anime and I do not get along; but I’ve recently made an exception in the form of Boku no Hero Academia, one hell of a good ride that plays with the tropes and ideas of contemporary superhero genres and tropes. And while I have a couple of ideas for topics that have resulted from my watching this series, today I want to discuss something that was rather integral for the first couple of episodes: the concept of what it meant to be someone’s hero.

Now, I mean this in the less than spectacular sense. Not what it means to be a hero in tights and a cape, or a super high-tech battle suit or whatever the hell is going on with He-man. Rather, what it means to be someone’s role model. The person they look up to and someone who inspires you to do your best in every capacity you push yourself towards.

Young_Izuku's_faceIn the first couple of episodes, it is made abundantly clear that young Izuku “Deku” Midoriya’s hero is All Might: the physical embodiment of all that it means to be just, courageous and all around swell. This idolization is what pushes Midoriya to work his hardest to become a superhero himself and, regardless of how daunting or impossible the odds, to try his darndest!

Now, for someone like myself, I have a hard time understanding, or rather sympathize with the character. When I was growing up, I never really had anyone I considered to be my hero, my role model. This probably strikes you as a little odd; after all, in western culture, it’s pretty normal for young boys to idolize their fathers or even their father-like figures. As the years go on, it becomes normal to find role models in celebrities, teachers or elder peers in clubs or school.

This was, obviously, not the case for myself.

Instead, I viewed it very differently from even as young an age as I can recall (and I can recall some rather vivid memories from as far back as kindergarten, perhaps even earlier). I was very steadfast in my belief that I didn’t want a role-model, or someone I looked up to. After all, to do so was to deny the unique nature of who you were, instead to just aspire to be a copy of someone else.

In essence: yes, I was a hipster long before I even had any semblance of an idea of what societal norms were.

Now, while I’m not going to pretend that my philosophies were anything remotely close to well founded, I do still adhere to a semblance of this ideology to this day. Of course, it’s not to say that I think that having a role-model inherently makes you out to be their clone in the making. On the contrary, as I grew older, I began to understand the fundamentals behind role-models in ways that encourage positive growth in a developing mind.

Going back to young Midoriya momentarily to paint a clearer picture: he used the ideologies of what All Might represented to the world on a symbolic level as a measure of what he should strive to be like in his own personal life. Even when All Might himself confessed to having lost many of those ideologies in the bustle of celebrity life, Midoriya stayed true to those initial ideas; pushing those around him to greater heights as a result. Okay, maybe not everyone, but close enough…331ff58b020f6f01ac119a0d8ea71cc2

In many regards, this is a healthy idolization. To embrace the ideas of what a person represents or teaches to improve not only ourselves, but those around us and at large. A lesson that I feel I might have missed in my developmental years that will undoubtedly stunt my character to some extent or another. Though, this might also be a blessing in and of itself, as the opposite extreme can be exceedingly dangerous as well.

And this is where I introduce you to the unintended brilliance of my earlier philosophy: not striving to be a clone of someone else. Instead of idolization, worship or obsession of a person. To erase aspects of yourself in favour of being just like this character you hold in high regard. And in some cases that I am familiar with, it can often be just that: characters. Personalities as represented in film, imagination or literature. A character as represented in our real world as well: the facade of who a person is in the presence of the public.


We all adopt a mask… though maybe not this one…

Let’s look at that in a little greater depth, shall we? Indeed, there are many people out there who don a particular persona when they are in the presence of others. It should come as no surprise that many celebrities are nothing like who they portray on the stage or before the camera; or if they are, are at least notably different than who they initially appear. But it’s not just celebrities who do this, but us as well.

When we go out into public, we all adopt some form of a personality to present to the world we meet. To the degree of this facade will depend on where we are, or our own personal limitations. Speaking from experience, I can say with confidence that who I appear to people as when I’m at conventions doing vlogging work (a great example of this is in this video) is greatly different than who I am around my closest circle of friends, which is again quite different from who I truly identify myself as in real life.

This is a part deliberate, part sub-conscious decision that people make on a large scale basis. If you really want to see a significant difference: talk to anyone working in the service industry. I would gamble not insignificant money on the fact that, with very rare exception, every one of them adopts a sort of “alternative identity” in their line of work.

Note: talk to them when they’re not at work. Obviously, they will deny it on the clock, as doing so will likely result in greater difficulty for themselves at work. Further discussion on the constraints on the individual in the face of the “professional” world is a very complicated and long topic that I shall not dive into here. Because this is a blog. Not a thesis.

Returning to the point prior: the degree of idolization and obsession that can stem from it. While I certainly lack any sort of empirical data to back this up, I have a hypothesis that the generations of my own and the one following it are most prone to having large issues with identity and sense of self. From what little observation I’ve made, these generations are the ones more prone to an unhealthy degree of idolization of particular personas, even more so in those who are socially ostracized.  I tend to see this mostly in environments where the “nerdy” tend to thrive; the more fringe members of that circle tend to not only hold particular fictitious characters in high esteem, rather they go so far as to emulate or mimic their actions and mannerisms in their entirety.

Disclaimer: I don’t pretend that this is an issue that is limited to nerd culture, rather it’s the circle I’m most exposed to and most inclined to see these trends. I am quite confident that someone who buys every poster and jersey of a particular sports figure could potentially take such a fascination too far, though I’ve personally yet to see it. Again, not for lack of there being people, so much as for my lack of exposure.

This does raise the question, however, as to what is a healthy degree of idolization? At what point does it stop being a positive influence and become a corrupting source? I can’t say for certain. I imagine there are social psychologists who have worked, or are working, on exploring this particular topic, but I’ve yet to see a study that I can accept as a good model.

In the meantime, I will leave this topic off with a couple of final thoughts on this. To what extent is having heroes and role-models beneficial? Greatly! Can the idolization be taken too far and into the realm of obsession? Absolutely! Is it good to not have role-models? Well, it’s not bad, I suppose.

And, at the end of the day: is All Might a good hero?screen-shot-2016-05-08-at-7-18-01-am

Yeah, he’s pretty okay.

Once More, with Feeling

20170910_210451As the saying goes, “some things never change”. It’s an adage that I’m familiar with, being something of a history jockey and currently trapped in a never ending cycle in Darkest Dungeon (it’s the second least possessed achievement in the game that I seek; which means my sanity is about as ragged as my heroes), but the idea that there are simply some things in life that, no matter how you approach them, the method, or mayhaps even the result, will remain the same. In many regards, this can be a good thing. In others, a practice in tedium.

For myself, however, it actually bears more of a resemblance to the latter. Wednesday last week marked the beginning of my school year, in an exercise that I hope does not prove to be fruitless. I have significant doubts it will, though, as this first term will already be testing my mental mettle in a “winner takes all” sort of struggle.

To really understand this, you need to drift with me way back in my personal annals of history to the tailing ends of my primary school education. Back at the turn of the millennia, mental health awareness was starting to become more prevalent in societal understanding and common school faculty education. I know this less from fact and more from practical experience: quite recently diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, most of my teachers will ill equipped with the tools necessary to assist someone of my peculiar quirks and essentially non-existent focus. As such, my report card scores were, to put it frankly, not great.

This isn’t to say my teachers had it out for me, on the contrary: many helped in what capacity they could to spur (or, in some cases: drag) me through to my graduation from elementary to secondary schooling. I was able to drudge up the marks I needed to get into the Academic line of courses, and amongst my peers, the only real consideration for getting anything resembling a real chance for the future.

3450910519_0739fe4c95_bIn essence: if you were in the academic stream, you were smart. If you were in applied, you were dumb. In essential, you were basically a useless lump of flesh that wouldn’t amount to much in your future. This isn’t to say I agree with these prejudices, rather this was the common perception of the course options for those sagely early-teen minds. Sufficed to say, I didn’t want to be dumb, so I pushed my way into the academic courses.

Fast forward a few years to the end of high school. My marks were abysmal, classmates were making everything look sincerely easy and I was frustrated with being trapped in an environment that was practically written to work against what few talents I possessed. I’m not going to pretend I was “so smart the work was too easy so I got bored and didn’t try” line, because that is a blatant lie. Fact of the matter is that my mind is less than conventional, so typical methods of teaching and memory retention don’t jive well with me.

As such, I had basically given up on anything resembling an education and was determined to prove a point that, with a little hard work and determination, I could get to great places in my life.

Idealistic, if not horribly inaccurate.

Half a century ago this was the case; but in the society I was finding myself in, not having a $150,000 piece of fancy paper was proving to be a significant stoppage in getting anywhere in life outside of menial labour or factory work. As such, I bounced from dead-end to dead-end, still trying to scratch out a means to make a living for myself.

There are other factors involved in the reasons this didn’t work, but those aren’t my focus today, so let’s move along.

  1. I’m working a night shift stocking shelves at a grocery store. It’s winter, I haven’t seen the sun in a week and a half and had no social life. I was in a hell of a depressive slump and there was no real way out of it. I was stocking cans of pasta sauce to a shelf, listening to the cranky wining of a middle aged lifer behind me when it struck me: if I don’t do something now, this will be the rest of my life.

getty_rf_photo_of_merry_go_round_spinning_rapidlyScrews to that.

If the only way to make it anywhere in life was to get a fancy big-boy education, then so I shall. But first, I had a horrifying high school transcript to make up for. I enrolled into a certified adult learning centre and, after having research university options and discussing with a guidance councillor, I was decked out with a (while not impossible) workload and began my academic blitz.

I had a whole school year to make up for in four and a half months. The first term went well, the second: rather disastrous.

In all my years of education, math was never a strong suit. On the contrary, math had been the scourge of my existence, and physics (which is a great deal of maths) was not much better. Well, one of the courses I needed for the university programs I planned on taking was Chemistry. What I hadn’t known was how much physics are in chemistry. Or maybe there aren’t, I don’t really know for reasons that should become abundant rather shortly.

Last year, 2016, I was completely devastated when all my hard efforts and attempts at understanding chemistry was, basically, for nothing. The demoralization came not from the material itself, rather the frequent surprises that was “oh shit; I thought I knew this material, but now I see I have the brain of a spoon”. One of the things that had caused me the most anxiety and distress in high school had come back full tilt: I was completely confident I knew the material, but my test scores were averaging out to 35%.

Out of 100%.

And a lower score is not the goal here.


Artwork by Ahmed Ali

All my courses unravelled very quickly after that term and my plans for an education pretty much dissipated from there. I buried myself in work in an effort to try to find something I could take pride in.


Again, time skip to a couple months ago. My interest in just working basic, dead-end jobs had completely waned again. It was time to re-approach university. I still very much wanted to pursue my interests in psychology and similar, but I wasn’t going to be able to working in the service industry. I reapplied for course upgrading, which leads me to today.

In a cruel twist of fate, I find myself back in the exact same classroom I took chemistry in, with the same teacher, and the same course breakdown that had so stupendously defeated me the year past.

This is it. Do or die. I largely consider this course to be the one that destroyed me last year, and so I will return and conquer this now. This is less a test of my mind, so much a test of my willpower. My brain is not well tuned to the abstract numerology and scientific notations that I’ll be taught. Not to mention that my memory retention is awful, and all my marks will be reflected upon that one trait.

If I want to pursue a career in conquering depression world-wide, I need to conquer grade 12 university-level chemistry.


Rock-bashing makes for great leadership, I am to understand.

Granted, should I fail this course again, I can re-take it. But that’s kind of the point here: how many times can one person bash their head against a task in the hopes of surpassing it? Much like Stoic the Vast told his son Hiccup, he bashed his head against a rock until it broke. Much like Michael Palin told Terry Jones in The Holy Grail, he kept building Swamp Castle until it stopped sinking (and once, burning) and remained upright.

Divines above and below I will get this right eventually. And this will be the year for certain. I understand that this will not be the greatest test of my abilities I face in my future, but it will mark a milestone in my journey that I can look back upon in times of hardship and say “I beat stoichiometry, I can beat this”.

As Chumbawumba said, “I get knocked down, but I get up again; you’re never gonna keep me down!”

I’m Not the Captain of my own Ship

20170826_211100We’re rapidly coasting up on the two week mark since my last blog (or anything, for that matter) post, and for anyone whose followed my spotty career on YouTube will know, these sudden and unannounced absences from these writing and filming obligations is far from uncommon. The reasons for these abrupt disappearances can be simply summarized as “lol depression”, but this fails to capture the full impact of what’s going on in that dusty brain of mine. And, contrary to every good sense I posses, I plan to capture a summary of what’s been going on in my own head for the past month and some that has lead to this point.

And I wish to point out that the relaying of these feelings and ideas are by no means new nor brave in any regard; I’m quite certain that there are writers, poets, vloggers, cartoonists or what have you who can better and more succinctly capture the true essence of what a chronic sense of lack of self worth and inability to be motivated can lead to a complete and encapsulating sense of apathy.

And I’d also like to apologize in advance: it is not my intent to incite a pity-fest with my woes. Nor do I anticipate that posting this particular thesis of sorts will alleviate my depressive moods to any degree. Monday is tomorrow (as time of writing this article), I needed a topic, and this is a topic that has been floating around in the old grey matter for quite some time now.

So, to begin with, we need to establish a few things about the natures of my depression and how it manifests. While science has yet to find any sort of reliable method to perfectly diagnose/identify depression-based issues, my doctor’s best guess is that my case is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. Something somewhere is not doing what it’s supposed to be doing and, as a result, there’s a component missing in the “typical” patterns that a brain is to exhibit (which in and of itself makes a fascinating, if slightly philosophic debate, on the topic of what is a normal brain pattern), and as a result, I am more prone to these sudden low moods and persuasions.

18342011_1529088040444169_6636624381584876906_nNow, if it were that simple, depression would be largely a result of biology and be much easier to treat. However, the brain is something that, much like putty, is shaped and moulded by interactions and events. It’s all very complicated and I don’t pretend to fully understand it myself, but due to the nature of how neurons reacts and communicate with other functions within the brain, the very nature of how information is processed will drastically change the inner workings of the brain and how it develops.

In essence, life happenings and events change how the brain reacts to things and reinforces those behaviours and such. How we perceive ourselves on a very basic and subconscious level can be largely influenced by our environments and interactions; incidentally saying any more than that will spark a series of ethical and social arguments of which are not the point of today’s topic. So let’s cap it there.

As I’m sure it’ll shock you to read, I’ve always been something of an eccentric personality. My mind has always processed information in highly irregular methods and my interests are, until the past couple of years, exceedingly unorthodox in communities and by no means “mainstream”. This lead to a certain degree of ostricization by my peers at school and in the few social activities I participated in; this lead to a delightful cycle of I was weird, so people didn’t want to interact with me, which reinforced my own peculiar interests, which weirded people out, and so on.

On the plus-side, these strange behavioural quirks and personality perks are starting to serve me well in my adult life, but it took a good long time for those rewards to manifest.

Now, any social psychologist or biologist can tell you that humans are, by their very basic nature, social creatures. With the exception of biological outliers, all humans crave interaction with like creatures who share in their interests and passions. Historically, this was in survival and procreation. In some regards, this hasn’t changed much; with the exception of social survival and… well… recreational procreation, I suppose?

But, my experiences had shaped a very real belief in my mind that, due to how weird I am perceived to be, my presence is largely not wanted by the populace and so I should just keep to myself. These ideas manifest in very different ways depending on circumstance, but in regards to my recent experiences, it manifest into a social withdrawal.

Depression stairsIn a move that largely defies logic, I stopped communicating with my friends but not being the first to reach out via online or text-based communication. This is nothing new, this sort of thing happens frequently whether due to fatigue from circumstance or just the need for some personal isolation. However, this time, it was to prove a point to myself (a point that I have needlessly proved and doesn’t do anything beneficial), and that point was that, were I to vanish from social circles, nobody would really notice. This is a common move for people suffering with depression or incredibly low self-esteems, and in some regards can be a good indicator that someone who has a history of suicide is re-contemplating taking their own life.

Side note: this is not the case for myself and is quite often not the case for others in my situation. Many introverts will vanish for days at a time to recharge from particularly taxing social events. Like I’ve said, if this was easy to understand and work with, it wouldn’t be as huge an issue.

In my case, it’s my inferiority complex at work: if I didn’t reach out to people, nobody would care about my absence. And so, I stopped texting or messaging people first. As I was not surprised to discover, my cell phone fell silent, aside from the occasional text from immediate family to coordinate household plans and to find out what my work schedule is.

It’s actually been going on 35 days now with my phone being in such a state, and my social media feeds are much the same. Now, this is not to say that these forms of communication truly satisfy the human desire for interpersonal contact (Vsauce made an excellent series of points on this), but it does do more than complete isolation does.

Of course, when you feel completely cut off from social circles, it can become much harder to find value in yourself as a person, or value in what you do. This latter point is what greatly affects my work on this blog and (as mentioned previously) other platforms: if no one wants to talk to me as a person, why would they waste time reading something I’ve written? Initially, this will manifest as a legitimate question that I seek to answer, and I’ll do research and reading to see what sort of things other people have written or produced to try and learn. But, in due time, this research will devolve into overly-critical self-evaluation, where I’ll begin to degrade the quality of my own ideas and concepts long before I have a chance to start working on them as a waste of time or too poorly constructed to matter.

In fact, this particular topic was the blog I was last planning on writing before I had spiralled down into a general state of apathy.

Once all these wheels start falling off, it can be very hard to put them back on. Fortunately for myself, this is a fairly cyclical series for me. I know that, if I ride it out long enough, I’ll eventually bounce out of it and back into productiveness and overall happiness. But it is still an overall issue that I must contend with and can be very detrimental to my ability to succeed in my life pursuits as well as get the most out of my limited time on this planet.


Comics like this actually really irk me

Now, the logical thing to assume with this occurrence is to remind myself that these thoughts are (literally and metaphorically) just in my head. And I’ve seen no shortage of comics that try to lend credence to this idea by downplaying how intrusive and all-absorbing these thoughts of self-doubt and worthlessness can be. Actually, on that note, perhaps we need to re-evaluate that statement there.

It’s not a thought; not in the conventional sense at least. It’s more like a feeling, or a sensation. Something that you can feel in your gut that’s telling you that something is exceedingly wrong with what you’re doing. It’s not one exact idea rolling around so much as it is an unrelenting series or streams of concepts or scenarios that play out in your mind the entire time you work on something, or are at rest, or play or otherwise.

Almost like a background track from a video game or movie; you’re never truly aware of it most of the time until it either builds to a crescendo, or is completely absent. And that absence of that sensation can be all the more unnerving when you’ve lived with it the breadth of your life like I have. When it’s not present, you feel an overall unease and tenseness that something will undoubtedly go wrong soon, because an uncanny sensation like this is far from normal, right?

It’s a very abstract concept to try to rationalize into a broad enough series of statements or descriptions for people to try to understand, if at the very least because how personal it is and can be. And for people who aren’t afflicted with depression or chronic anxiety, it can be extremely difficult to understand how your brain can rebel against you to such a degree that it not only impacts, but dictates, every aspect of your life.

b50c143ea5fcc0508627a50866616590--fighting-depression-suicidalquotes-depression-sadI’m slowly dragging myself out of my slump and should be in good health for another month and a half before it begins again and I resume my downward spiral into apathy. Make no mistake, however: speaking for myself, I’ve taken steps to mitigate the damage to my life these depressions cause. It’s a point of fortune in my life I never underestimate, though significantly less-so for many people out there. Either their lifestyle does not permit these comparatively rapid changes to their mental state, or they consider themselves so far gone that they are beyond saving.

Again, exceptionally personal.

If nothing else, at least I can finally tally this specific topic off my to-do list. Ideally I should be hitting every deadline for the near future going forward, but my brain is a surprising creature and never leaves my sense of shock left wanting.

I mean, you should see half the dreams I have at night. It does me a bamboozle every time.

Project Red Band: the Proposal

20170816_150524I can’t speak for anyone else on this subject, but it seems to be very big news in North America at the very least. Over the previous weekend, National Socalists (as they preferred to be called) descended on Charlottesville to protest the removal of a Confederate statue in memorial to a person of significance or some such that I don’t really understand at present. And of course, as with all such things: bad went to worse.

Anti-White Supremacist Rally attendees were accosted by a member of the White Power organization via vehicular homicide, killing one and injuring very nearly twenty others (a slight inflation on my part, but it worked well for the sentence). Then, in the face of such events, the organization that is supposed to be a point of clarity for the people to turn to, or at the very least the symbol of unity and belief in the Less-than-United States performed a series of shocking political blunders that rivals anything B-rate Hollywood script writers could concoct.


This is the statue “of  significance or some such” that I was mentioning.

Sufficed to say, the whole story is something of a catastrophic mess. Seriously; the world-ending events of World of Warcraft Cataclysm isn’t nearly as disastrous as what’s going on south of our Canuck borders. But while things seem to only be going from bad to worse, the reactions and opinions of everyone seems exceedingly divided.


In my own personal friend groups, I’ve seen opinions ranging from “this is a travesty” to “yeah, I don’t give a crap” to “we need to kill more people”. Declarations of “history repeating itself” have been thrown around online, and everyone who used to have faith in human capacity is finding that belief seriously tried or strained.

I, myself, find this whole series of events shocking and exceedingly stressful. It’s why there was no blog post on Monday, as a matter of fact: I had to retreat into my own head and rationalize what precisely was going on. It all seemed so surreal; it couldn’t actually be happening, could it? After all, US media has romanticized anti-Nazi sentiments to such a degree that I had assumed it was very nearly a trait born into all “pure-blooded Americans”, as the concept goes.

And no matter where I looked or what I listened to, the messages being spun around are either less-than-helpful or dubiously vague. There seems to be one hundred and one ideas on what to do about this, and one thousand and one excuses for what’s transpiring. It is, for a mere mortal like me, all too much to process.

This doesn’t mean I plan on burying my head in the sand and hoping it’ll all blow over, a strategy that was suggested to me by someone who cares about my mental health (my mental sanity is shaky at best, and at worst: basically the condition of the Titanic immediately after it hit the iceberg. On the surface it looks alright, but an hour later it’d fracture in twain). And it is true, part of what makes modern media so appealing is that no matter how un-bad something is, News outlets are pretty good at inflating the issues to sensationalize things to a greater profitable degree.

Fake NewsI realize that sounds like an accusation of “Fake News”, a term I generally lament using, but that’s a different issue for a different day.

Today, I want to focus on what some of the primary issues and questions that have been raised as a result of the Charlottesville riots. I’ll cover them in very broad points as follows:

  • If, historically speaking, US ideologies are greatly against the concept of Nazi-ism and centralized governmental control, why are we seeing a great insurgence of people who are declaring themselves as National Socialists
  • Is this a result of recent electoral and governmental flaws in the US Presidental system of national, or an inevitable result of a culture that defines itself by violent uprising
  • What are the environmental conditions that give way to a system of prejudice and hatred; is it limited to certain socio-economic classes, or is it less discriminating

And, most importantly:

  • What is the best way to manage these recent events in a way that ensures growth and security for peoples in general in a developed country with a great deal of ancestral or modernized pride

Charlottesville EmblemMuch like all issues I find myself in the middle of, there might initially appear to be simple solutions to these issues. But I do believe that if it were so simple we wouldn’t have the issues we have to this day. On the contrary: each of these points are incredibly complicated issues that affect every aspect of modern western culture on the whole, and the societies that stem from them.

I have every intention of trying to understand this issue in greater detail. I want to find a solution that’ll bring about a positive change to what is transpiring at present: one that does not defer to violence as a means to the end. Maybe it’s because, in the traditional sense of the word, I am a coward (I spent 8 years studying martial arts, and the one aspect of it I could never perform well because of personal beliefs was sparring), and by extension that I do not place much faith nor emphasis in using violence as a method to enforce will.

Of course, this will discredit me to many of my friends. As I’ve seen multiple times, I know no shortage of people who seem almost giddy to default to violence or murder to “quell” the hate-based groups that have given rise to these present and pressing issues. They endorse such ideologies which share, in their own perverse ways, similarities to the hateful methods of these self-titled National Socialists.

Violence is not the solution; not to me anyway. Being a student of history, I understand how violence will cause an initial disruption of organizations, but will just as efficiently and effectively give greater cause and fervor to those same groups. In fact, many of today’s most powerful organizations and religions were tampered and strengthened by acts of violence perpetrated against them by once-great forces.

To understand this will be our best weapon against these movements. I strongly believe this, and so, I will be endeavoring to understand all the smaller nuances and ideologies that are held by all the various organizations under the heading of National Socialist. This will mean I’ll be burying myself in research; online, literature and even personal. This last point will very likely earn me the ire of many people who I hold in high esteem, as I will, without doubt, be talking with these supremacists on an individual or group basis to understand what their motivations are.

And this terrifies me on many levels and causes me no shortage of stress. As I mentioned earlier, my mental health is not the greatest and will very likely never will be. But I have the tools and resources to try to make a difference in this, regardless of how small or insignificant it will end up being at the conclusion of it all. I’m doing this because, despite all the horrors of the past, distant and recent, I still have faith in the human race. Perhaps misplace, perhaps idealistic, but I don’t really care.

Image-7I know where I stand on these issues and I will try to find solutions using methods that I agree with. This is the concept behind what I am titling Project Red Band, an ongoing research and investigation task that was not given to me, but one I will take up all the same.

Results of my investigation will be posted here as I find and learn things, and the title will always include PRB: _ in the heading. If this research or my methods make you uncomfortable, I completely understand and will think no less of you for disregarding what I have to say. As I’ve said in many past topics: not every fight is for everyone. This also does not mean that Station 85 will be exclusively about Project Red Band; I will still post my other works as the schedule demands.

Thank you in advance for your patience with the patchy uploads on this site and for those who keep coming back. And good luck to all of us in these trying times. Seems there’s something of a shortage of it these days.

On Witches and Hobbits; a Comparison

20170808_201604I’m going to be flat-out honest at the get go here: this idea is a bit of a stretch. Okay, maybe a magnificent stretch, but I’m going to run with it here and see how it pans out. Who knows; I might be onto something.

It was only the other day I finished blitzing my way through an anime that started out great, but rapidly devolved as the episodes went by (there’s been a few theories as to why, my best guess is budget reasons). And if you’ve taken the time to watch Izetta: the Last Witch, you’ll probably also have your own opinions on how the series went. In the interest in hitting my main point in a somewhat timely fashion, I’m going to skip ahead of the summary and assume you, reader, are at least already aware of the broad strokes of the story.

By the time I had finished watching the series, I had mixed feelings about everything. The ending was expected, but not satisfying. The character arcs were bland, which was disappointing because of the promise they showed. The final clash itself was underwhelming, except for a few surprisingly savoury moments (I mean, seriously, Izetta uses the Eiffel Tower as a spear. And need I go any further with the phrase: Train Whips?). But most puzzling for me by the end of it was that something felt oddly familiar with the whole story.


Seriously, I cannot emphasize enough how absurd/amazing Train Whip is

Not the oddly familiar in the sense that it followed a typical plot progression, rather the main strokes of things felt uncanny and some of the views expressed by watchers were strange. I didn’t pay it much mind because my friend immediately distracted us with a new anime, Made in the Abyss, so I rapidly forgot about it for the remainder of the day.

Disclaimer: Made in the Abyss is hella good. Give it your time.

It wasn’t until Monday night, actually, when I was trying (unsuccessfully) to fall asleep that several things clicked in place. The thing that struck me as uncanny and all too familiar was the relationship between the two main characters of the anime and two other main characters from a film trilogy.

Frodo-Sam-image-frodo-and-sam-36084653-1920-800Specifically: the relationship between Izetta and Princess Hime was very reminiscent of the relationship between Samwise and Frodo from Lord of the Rings. Bear with me: it gets weird but makes more. I hope.

abcc6053c4fdcdab998997a8aaa2708f1475018758_fullAll through the anime, it is very clearly shown that Izetta adores Princess Hime and is willing to go to any length for her; fighting against the poorly renamed Germainains’ tanks and soldiers single-handedly. She even takes a bullet for her at one point; or something like that anyway. And the fondness goes both ways: Hime openly expresses that she has no shortage of affection for her unsurprisingly well-endowed companion, and relies on her as a source of strength to keep going against an overwhelmingly industrialized and powerful enemy army.

Taking things from the fans perspective, which I have gleaned from reading a couple dozen viewer reviews, it’s a borderline Yuri relationship. For those of you who don’t know what yuri is: I encourage you to Google it with the Safe Search off. You’ll either thank me, or curse me to the nine hells; I’m not really sure which. Point is, though: many mannerisms shown by these two characters are shown to be not only playful, but flirtatious. And I think that, for the first few episodes anyway, this was the intention of the writers. But as the series goes on, things kind of change direction and the show places more emphasis on the platonic love these two characters share.

This is where I bring in the Lord of the Rings. I’m seriously hoping by now you’ve watched the movie, reader; it’s been over 16 years by now. Get on that, would ya?

Recall to the kind of relationship shared between Samwise and Frodo. While it’s been a few years (read, almost two decades) since I last read the books, but I’m inclined to think that the intention of JRR Tolkien, and by extension Peter Jackson, that the friendship shared between Frodo and Samwise is that of brotherly affection. And while our modern audiences can view some of the ways these two characters interacted with one another as homosexual in nature (which could make for a fascinating debate one day, but not the one I’m trying to make currently), it is largely agreed upon by peoples that this is not the case.

This is where we reach a weird, implied double standard in how we view these two pairs. There are many instances of both our duos showing intense affection or compassion with one another, and moments where the only thing spurring the one on is the strength of their traveling companion. But when we are presented with the hobbit pair, we as a society default to “Brothers in Arms”, where the girls are seen as a failed attempt as lesbianism.

lord-of-the-rings-1-the-fellowship-of-the-ring-movie-poster-2001-1020195991I’m trying to tread lightly on this topic because I am poorly equipped to discuss the finer nuances of gender perception in society as reinforced by traditional and modern roles; hell, half the time I’m barely equipped to talk about what I had for breakfast.

We’ve been seeing a growing movement for better handled gender roles in movies for a while now; a very poorly constructed sentence that I now immediately regret typing. What I’m trying to say there is that there is a bigger push to have movies that defy the standard gender archtypes we typically see portrayed. And I’m all for that, even if I can’t express it with a moniker of eloquence.

And while I can certainly understand that a single anime comparison cannot do justice to the breadth of the argument, I think we can agree that any time you can find a point of interest that makes you think is an overall positive result.

So yeah, that’s the long and short of it. Like I said, the comparison was a bit of a stretch, but I’m sure were I given more time to go over both pieces in greater detail I could probably draw some other analogies. For the time being, I will leave it at this though.

Note from Self: this might have been the flimsiest outro I’ve ever written in my life. I am ashamed.

Another Soul, Another Controversy

20170807_004837This brooches the subject of outdated news by all traditional schools of thought, and very nearly all current schools of thought. Indeed, one of the lessons taught to prospective students in radio broadcast: if it happened more than a day ago, it’s dead news and time to move on. Our media engines move quickly and, as a result, we consume this information much more rapidly to keep up with the ever incessant onslaught of new stories or, sometimes, just a rehashing of something we’ve heard before.

My brain simply doesn’t move that quickly, especially on more sensitive topics. I’ll very likely never be able to compete with modern news sources on my own because it takes too long for me to rationalize what I’ve heard, then turn it over in my head some two dozen times and think it through. And while I certainly consider this to be an important process for me as a method of mitigating hasty (and, need I say, almost exclusively ignorant) opinions on matters, it means that when I finally have something to say about a topic, everyone has already moved on to the next thing.

And for some conversations, this is fine. Some topics will come and go and people will either learn from it or discard the information, as is their want. For other topics, though: this can be acidic to the nature of the ongoing conversation that we, as a peoples, need to have about certain issues that plague our society or world. Some pieces of information we learn needs to be remembered, or at least discussed more deeply than our fast-moving world will allow. And I’m not the first to say this; it has been said more eloquently by better minds or more learned people.

Without beating any further around the bush, this is another discussion about the ongoing crisis that is our Mental Health Awareness in North America, or at the very least Canada. And yes, much like many people, this point was, again, reinforced by another celebrity taking their life due to unsustainable depression. But this point was not a reminder for me; I live with depression on a daily basis. As a person diagnosed with Clinical Depression, I’ve yielded to the fact that this is something that I’ll be fighting with for the rest of my life.

There are countless others who are in similar situations, and most certainly a good majority have it far worse than I ever will. And much like everyone else (to my working knowledge) who lives with depression, or knows someone very close to them who is afflicted, the ongoing fight to keep a healthy mentality is never far from our minds. But, where I do differ from some of these people is my understanding of the natures of these issues.

20170308_225340_10272_972071Not terribly long ago now, the lead singer (and some would say, the very soul of) Linkin Park, Chester Bennington, terminated his life quite prematurely. There was a massive outpouring of sympathy and sadness from the music community and fans the world over. But what surprised me was a small voice that was buried in the crowd. It was anger. Not at the late Mr. Bennington or Linkin Park; it was anger at the world around them.

“How many more people need to kill themselves before everyone really begins to care?” These were, in essence, the messages these groups were shouting. “You only care about depression and suicide when someone famous dies! Why don’t you care all the time?!”

In all honesty, this is a point very near and dear to me. Again, as said earlier: I live with depression and battle it on a daily basis. Many of angry voices that demanded this were either in similar boats themselves, or very likely people who have lost loved ones to suicide. And while, at first, I was a little put off by their sentiments, as time wore on I started thinking about it more and more. I didn’t want to be angry at the anonymous masses who would forget about mental health in a few days; I am a strong believer that anger is a poor medium to enact constructive change.

I am also, deep down inside, an angry person myself. In general, anyway: I have a bit of a temper. #gingerproblems

But I also didn’t want to be frustrated, much like these many angry voices were. After all, everyone is more than willing to show their support for mental health awareness when someone famous dies, so why can’t they care about it all the time?

There are many, many, many reasons why, as I see it. For starters, it’s entirely hard for someone who has not had experience with depression to understand the depth of detriment it does to someone’s well being. And for many who do experience depression, it is something they either are cured of, or find methods to cope with so that it does not become exceedingly prominent in their life. With this in mind, it’s very easy to understand why many people have a hard time empathizing with this issue, or even sympathizing.

As well as the other issue mentioned at the very beginning of this blog: things move fast in our world now. News and media aside; everything about our lives are quite frantic and harried when you really think about it. The concept of ‘a long time’ has changed drastically through the generations and, even now, changed exponentially within the years. No longer is ‘a long time’ generally agreed upon by months or even years; now ‘a long time’ could be a few hours to a couple of days.

And when things move this fast, especially in our connected world where the internet has allowed us to cultivate massive networks of people whose lives we closely follow: the information we receive is less news and more bombardment. And that’s not even including things that happen in our personal lives. If you really stopped and thought about it, a great deal happens to the average and not-so-average Canadian’s daily routine.

And of course, the biggest hurdle I see with everyone taking a zealous interest in conquering mental health issues is: energy. Because, for the worst case scenarios, depression isn’t something that’s really ever fixed. Unlike a cold, or a building project: there’s no real end in sight. And, as is contrary to the very progression-based mentalities that have become so centric to western societies, it’s very easy for someone living with depression to relapse due to factors outside of their control.

I can understand how it is frustrating for people who try to keep close relations to me when I suddenly go silent for months at a time because I’m locked in my own head. It takes a shocking about of energy to interact, on a consistent basis, someone who suffers from depression or similar. And energy is a very limited commodity we, as a human race, have. Energy to be spent on other pursuits: travel, work, family, friends, hobbies, interests, passive or active activities, stories, education and the list could go on for quite a long time.

And with all these things that we, as individuals, value and prioritize, I can very much understand why keeping close relations to anyone who requires a lot of time, patience and energy to interact with and care for, is a trying process. It is not for everyone, and that’s quite alright. It is stressful and draining, to say the least. I get that, I can sympathize with that.

When I see mass posting about people crying out for better mental health treatments or options when someone famous commits suicide, I don’t get upset at them. I will not deny that I would be more pleased to see them give the same attention to this issue all the time, but that is simply not reasonable nor realistic.

After all, there are many issues in our world that people champion and fight for that I, myself, have forgotten about as time wears on. As shocking as it is to hear: cancer has not greatly impacted my life as it has many others’. Cancer research and better treatments are, as a result, not something I often remember or take notice of. And that fact may shock you. After all, cancer is one of the leading killers in the western world, and is often referenced in the news or in general discussion.

It is not to say I do not care about cancer research though. To think that it is something I do not care about would be a grave misunderstanding of things. I would love, as much as the next person, to hear that there has been a cure for cancer and that no one needs to suffer that fate ever again. However, it is simply not the fight I have chosen to focus my efforts and energy into. And the same could be said for any other hundreds of issues that groups have dedicated themselves to.

I was toying around with the idea of making a small list here of other topics, but it was getting excessively long and a bit distracting: I wanted to keep researching more points to make the list even longer.

So when I see posting occasionally pop up about mental health awareness as a result of recent news, I will not become angry. I’d rather capitalize on the brief attention of these people and engage in discussion. Much like all great things, this is an ongoing effort that will take no shortage of time, understanding and compassion to conquer. And with every conversation we have on these matters, a greater understanding is achieved. And when society has a greater understanding of things, it is an inarguable victory, regardless of how small it is.

suicide prevention imageIn the meantime, I will continue to dedicate myself to this fight; so long as all the other battles are being fought by others as dedicated to theirs as I am to mine. If mental health awareness or treatment isn’t your particular battle, I will not think less of you for it. If it is not something you spend your energy upon often to learn more about, and the only time you think to involve yourself in the discussion is after tragedy, to you I promise:

I will always be willing to have a conversation with you about it.