I’m Not the Captain of my own Ship

20170826_211100We’re rapidly coasting up on the two week mark since my last blog (or anything, for that matter) post, and for anyone whose followed my spotty career on YouTube will know, these sudden and unannounced absences from these writing and filming obligations is far from uncommon. The reasons for these abrupt disappearances can be simply summarized as “lol depression”, but this fails to capture the full impact of what’s going on in that dusty brain of mine. And, contrary to every good sense I posses, I plan to capture a summary of what’s been going on in my own head for the past month and some that has lead to this point.

And I wish to point out that the relaying of these feelings and ideas are by no means new nor brave in any regard; I’m quite certain that there are writers, poets, vloggers, cartoonists or what have you who can better and more succinctly capture the true essence of what a chronic sense of lack of self worth and inability to be motivated can lead to a complete and encapsulating sense of apathy.

And I’d also like to apologize in advance: it is not my intent to incite a pity-fest with my woes. Nor do I anticipate that posting this particular thesis of sorts will alleviate my depressive moods to any degree. Monday is tomorrow (as time of writing this article), I needed a topic, and this is a topic that has been floating around in the old grey matter for quite some time now.

So, to begin with, we need to establish a few things about the natures of my depression and how it manifests. While science has yet to find any sort of reliable method to perfectly diagnose/identify depression-based issues, my doctor’s best guess is that my case is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. Something somewhere is not doing what it’s supposed to be doing and, as a result, there’s a component missing in the “typical” patterns that a brain is to exhibit (which in and of itself makes a fascinating, if slightly philosophic debate, on the topic of what is a normal brain pattern), and as a result, I am more prone to these sudden low moods and persuasions.

18342011_1529088040444169_6636624381584876906_nNow, if it were that simple, depression would be largely a result of biology and be much easier to treat. However, the brain is something that, much like putty, is shaped and moulded by interactions and events. It’s all very complicated and I don’t pretend to fully understand it myself, but due to the nature of how neurons reacts and communicate with other functions within the brain, the very nature of how information is processed will drastically change the inner workings of the brain and how it develops.

In essence, life happenings and events change how the brain reacts to things and reinforces those behaviours and such. How we perceive ourselves on a very basic and subconscious level can be largely influenced by our environments and interactions; incidentally saying any more than that will spark a series of ethical and social arguments of which are not the point of today’s topic. So let’s cap it there.

As I’m sure it’ll shock you to read, I’ve always been something of an eccentric personality. My mind has always processed information in highly irregular methods and my interests are, until the past couple of years, exceedingly unorthodox in communities and by no means “mainstream”. This lead to a certain degree of ostricization by my peers at school and in the few social activities I participated in; this lead to a delightful cycle of I was weird, so people didn’t want to interact with me, which reinforced my own peculiar interests, which weirded people out, and so on.

On the plus-side, these strange behavioural quirks and personality perks are starting to serve me well in my adult life, but it took a good long time for those rewards to manifest.

Now, any social psychologist or biologist can tell you that humans are, by their very basic nature, social creatures. With the exception of biological outliers, all humans crave interaction with like creatures who share in their interests and passions. Historically, this was in survival and procreation. In some regards, this hasn’t changed much; with the exception of social survival and… well… recreational procreation, I suppose?

But, my experiences had shaped a very real belief in my mind that, due to how weird I am perceived to be, my presence is largely not wanted by the populace and so I should just keep to myself. These ideas manifest in very different ways depending on circumstance, but in regards to my recent experiences, it manifest into a social withdrawal.

Depression stairsIn a move that largely defies logic, I stopped communicating with my friends but not being the first to reach out via online or text-based communication. This is nothing new, this sort of thing happens frequently whether due to fatigue from circumstance or just the need for some personal isolation. However, this time, it was to prove a point to myself (a point that I have needlessly proved and doesn’t do anything beneficial), and that point was that, were I to vanish from social circles, nobody would really notice. This is a common move for people suffering with depression or incredibly low self-esteems, and in some regards can be a good indicator that someone who has a history of suicide is re-contemplating taking their own life.

Side note: this is not the case for myself and is quite often not the case for others in my situation. Many introverts will vanish for days at a time to recharge from particularly taxing social events. Like I’ve said, if this was easy to understand and work with, it wouldn’t be as huge an issue.

In my case, it’s my inferiority complex at work: if I didn’t reach out to people, nobody would care about my absence. And so, I stopped texting or messaging people first. As I was not surprised to discover, my cell phone fell silent, aside from the occasional text from immediate family to coordinate household plans and to find out what my work schedule is.

It’s actually been going on 35 days now with my phone being in such a state, and my social media feeds are much the same. Now, this is not to say that these forms of communication truly satisfy the human desire for interpersonal contact (Vsauce made an excellent series of points on this), but it does do more than complete isolation does.

Of course, when you feel completely cut off from social circles, it can become much harder to find value in yourself as a person, or value in what you do. This latter point is what greatly affects my work on this blog and (as mentioned previously) other platforms: if no one wants to talk to me as a person, why would they waste time reading something I’ve written? Initially, this will manifest as a legitimate question that I seek to answer, and I’ll do research and reading to see what sort of things other people have written or produced to try and learn. But, in due time, this research will devolve into overly-critical self-evaluation, where I’ll begin to degrade the quality of my own ideas and concepts long before I have a chance to start working on them as a waste of time or too poorly constructed to matter.

In fact, this particular topic was the blog I was last planning on writing before I had spiralled down into a general state of apathy.

Once all these wheels start falling off, it can be very hard to put them back on. Fortunately for myself, this is a fairly cyclical series for me. I know that, if I ride it out long enough, I’ll eventually bounce out of it and back into productiveness and overall happiness. But it is still an overall issue that I must contend with and can be very detrimental to my ability to succeed in my life pursuits as well as get the most out of my limited time on this planet.

Comics like this actually really irk me

Now, the logical thing to assume with this occurrence is to remind myself that these thoughts are (literally and metaphorically) just in my head. And I’ve seen no shortage of comics that try to lend credence to this idea by downplaying how intrusive and all-absorbing these thoughts of self-doubt and worthlessness can be. Actually, on that note, perhaps we need to re-evaluate that statement there.

It’s not a thought; not in the conventional sense at least. It’s more like a feeling, or a sensation. Something that you can feel in your gut that’s telling you that something is exceedingly wrong with what you’re doing. It’s not one exact idea rolling around so much as it is an unrelenting series or streams of concepts or scenarios that play out in your mind the entire time you work on something, or are at rest, or play or otherwise.

Almost like a background track from a video game or movie; you’re never truly aware of it most of the time until it either builds to a crescendo, or is completely absent. And that absence of that sensation can be all the more unnerving when you’ve lived with it the breadth of your life like I have. When it’s not present, you feel an overall unease and tenseness that something will undoubtedly go wrong soon, because an uncanny sensation like this is far from normal, right?

It’s a very abstract concept to try to rationalize into a broad enough series of statements or descriptions for people to try to understand, if at the very least because how personal it is and can be. And for people who aren’t afflicted with depression or chronic anxiety, it can be extremely difficult to understand how your brain can rebel against you to such a degree that it not only impacts, but dictates, every aspect of your life.

b50c143ea5fcc0508627a50866616590--fighting-depression-suicidalquotes-depression-sadI’m slowly dragging myself out of my slump and should be in good health for another month and a half before it begins again and I resume my downward spiral into apathy. Make no mistake, however: speaking for myself, I’ve taken steps to mitigate the damage to my life these depressions cause. It’s a point of fortune in my life I never underestimate, though significantly less-so for many people out there. Either their lifestyle does not permit these comparatively rapid changes to their mental state, or they consider themselves so far gone that they are beyond saving.

Again, exceptionally personal.

If nothing else, at least I can finally tally this specific topic off my to-do list. Ideally I should be hitting every deadline for the near future going forward, but my brain is a surprising creature and never leaves my sense of shock left wanting.

I mean, you should see half the dreams I have at night. It does me a bamboozle every time.


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